Let’s Hit Pause

I just realized something. I may not keep the current order of my chapters. No, I’m not going to switch them, I may add one of more in between them.

I want at least 20 chapters in part one. I am falling short. Then, again, I have only been doing the tip of the iceberg – so to speak – on the story by going year by year. I may broaden the story out by adding chapters to expand each year and flesh out the story.

There is so much potential for the story that has not been explored and I want to push myself to get close to 60 chapters, overall, in this book. I also have so much to explore as far as giving this character a fuller life.

this means that chapter 2 may become chapter 4…and so on. At least until I expand the first half so that it has more meat. more substance. After all, I am writing this as if the character is writing his memoirs. It is his memories he is recounting.

Mystic Me

Yesterday, I learned much about who I am. I am always learning, though. It seems that I am not simply a Gnostic, but am a mystic. I believe in so much more than simply the inner journey.

For those of you who do not understand mysticism and mystics, let me give you a short list of our beliefs.

As a mystic:

1. YOU VALUE EXPERIENCES ABOVE ALL ELSE

2. YOU QUESTION EXISTENCE

3. YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH UNCERTAINTY

4. YOU VALUE INTUITION

5. YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH SPIRITUAL HIERARCHIES

6. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SET OF RULES

7. YOU VALUE INTERNAL GROWTH

8. YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE A CONDUIT FOR POWER, NOT THE SOURCE

9. YOU BELIEVE LOVE IS THE SOURCE OF LIFE

10. YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING

(source of list: Gaia.com)

I am not comfortable with rites and rituals, or physical pursuits associated with “belief”. I feel that belief is based upon inexorable truth that is not necessarily a tangent quantity, but adds quality to one’s life. Belief has nothing to do with deeds, nor do deeds have anything to do with belief. Someone who does, with expectations of return, do not believe in anything except self.

Life is about experience, nothing else. One must experience every aspect to understand or gain wisdom and insight. Until one experiences, they cannot understand or fathom the fullness of what is around us. In order to experience, you must question existence. Why do we exist? What is our purpose? And most of all, you must value intuition. This does not means that you make the best choices every time (oh, God no), but you know that you often pay the price for second guessing that intuition.

Life is uncertain. It has only been recently, the last 10-15 years, that I have been able to fully become comfortable with this fact. Tomorrow is never promised to us, only today. We must do all that we can, all the positive we can (never negative), within that one day. And even that single day is an uncertainty.

I had to walk away from organized religion for two reasons. The first was the rigid dogma, which states that one must physically follow a certain path (without explaining that one must first change the inner self so that the walk is more pure) in order to be something. My discomfort with hierarchy/rites and rituals made it impossible to sit in a church.

The second reason I walked away was because I had to set my own rules. I do this through exploring the truth and implementing it in my life, which leads to internal growth. I see everyone as being sent to us as an example of what we, as individuals, must change within ourselves. We cannot change those around us, but we can change ourselves.

beyond this, I have always believed that humanity, of and by itself, has no power of its own. We are a collective that is connected to one another through nature and are powered by the universal power to do good and to better the world we are born into. We cannot better the world through condemning it, but through serving as examples and positive forces within it.

I also believe that love is the source of life. Without love, we are empty and dead, though we physically exist. By love, I do not mean the physical attraction to the opposite gender (or same gender as per preference) but rather the love that leads us to understand, accept, and have true compassion upon all without expectations. Without this love, we are nothing.

Finally, I do not know everything. I am always learning. And what I learn, I tend to share with you. I work toward a better understanding of the world and the universe…and ultimately, the meaning of life and our purpose here. After all, life is about learning and growing, not about sitting in place and staying the same. Progress can only be found by moving forward, not going in reverse. Enlightenment is found through diligence and realizing that we cannot remain in ignorance if we seek to be wise.

And, as always, I remain your humble friend. Until the very end.

Realizations, Part 2

After last night, I now realize that I was right yesterday. I realize that I am only given a small bit of time. I had a dream last night where she came to me and wanted me to take her hand. Unlike most, I know that this is a sign it is almost time.

I know many would see this as a crazy, almost deluded idea, but I understand much more than I once did. Yes, I am tired. My strength is waning. And I haven’t had the best of health for a long time.

In fact, before my second marriage self-destructed, I was told by a doctor that he did not see how I had lived as long as I had. My gall bladder had literally died and had been making me extremely sick. In fact, it was so bad that I should have been dead.

I have never bounced back from this. It has been more than three years since (actually, it has been over five) and I have never gotten to a point where I was well enough to consider myself in good health. I still suffer from the side effects.

I know I still have to finish what I started. I know I still have to make a difference. I have to effect a change. Somehow. But my race is almost run. Peace is within sight for this reluctant warrior. I just hope that I can touch just one life before it is said and done.

Dreams

The last few months my wife was alive, I had two recurring dreams…well, make that three. The first was of a house that was haunted by some unknown horror. Every time I would get close to discovering whatever it was, I would wake up. Every detail was so realistic. Every bend in the staircases. Every dark passage. Never once did I realize what it was I was there for.

The second dream seemed to be a coastal one. the people were bound to the sea, but their town was dying and decaying. Many of the houses were abandoned and falling in. again, the dream was realistic. Vivid. Dark.

The third dream was where we would enter a town together, like we were traveling through on our way somewhere. At the center, was a ghost town. But it wasn’t just any ghost town. It was like a tourist trap that had been abandoned. Like the second dream, this area was dilapidated and decaying. And a sadness hung in the air.

The similarities of all three dreams was that I always started out with her at my side. With the house, she would stop at the front door or disappear soon after we entered. It was almost like I was spending all my time looking for her, or thinking I was looking for her, when I should have been looking for something else. But what?

With the fishing village, we entered the village together, but got separated. throughout the dream, I spent the time trying (without success) to get back to her side. At some point, she always disappeared.

The third dream, we entered town, but she remained back wherever it was we were staying when I went to explore the abandoned ghost town. I thought it odd that this little abandoned tourist trap was at the center of the town at the time I was dreaming it, but not so much now.

I know I was being warned now. I didn’t at the time. I was being told that our time was going to be short. At least unless I got to the heart of her health problems. I didn’t heed the warnings because I did not understand what I was being told. I continued to puzzle over them even to the very end.

But I know now. I realize that I was supposed to seek out the mystery, that little unseen thing that was causing all of her problems. The enigma of why she was having the problems she was having.

I also know that I had a limited amount of time to discover and fix whatever it was. I just did not know how short that time truly was. I did not know how urgent it was. But I do now.

Had I had a better clue, I might have beat the clock. But, as it goes, we aren’t always given the clearest of clues. We don’t always get the picture until it is far too late to save a life.

The answers? At 4:45 this morning I woke up to realize the following:

  1. I was chasing down what was ailing Kelly as I chased the unnamed haunt through the house in my dream. The clues were there. I just missed them. Just as I had with the clues we had with what was wrong before she died.
  2. The recurring decay was damage done by unneeded medication. We figured that one out together, which is why the dreams of the fishing village ceased.
  3. the abandoned and decaying tourist trap at the center of town was clues that we should have had her heart checked with everything else. The rest of the dream, where she was not with me, that was a warning that if we did not see to this one detail, she would not be with me for long. But, I missed it and she dismissed my dream until she could find someone who could help decipher it. That never took place. She died before either of us saw the message being sent.

I know that it is now far too late to do what needs to be done. I know I cannot turn the clock back and save her life by making a suggestion to the OB-GYN about seeing if there was something wrong with her heart that could have been leading to her female problems. After all, any issue of blood can be a sign of serious heart problems or defects. I see that now. But it doesn’t make me feel any better. I still feel guilty. I still feel like I failed. I still miss her.