A Letter To My New Step-Daughter

Dear daughter

I know that you do not know me. I know that you think you know more than any other adult in your life. I also know that you are selfish, cruel, and thoughtless when it comes to your mother.

Let me tell you something. Selfishness is the hallmark of someone who has no inkling of what life is really about. It is a sign of immaturity within those who are. It means that you haven’t really experienced life to its fullest.


You haven’t experienced true pain. You have never been on the streets. You have never truly been abused. You have never been belittled. Or called insignificant.

Nor have you been truly abandoned. In fact, you are the one who has done the abandoning. In your selfishness, you have abandoned your mother simply because you are afraid. You have abandoned your full potential simply out of spite.

You do not know the pain your mother carries with her every day. Nor could you ever imagine it unless you have gone through it yourself. You don’t know the pain of betrayal by family and I pray that you never do. It is the worst pain one will ever have to endure. I know. I have been through the same betrayal.

You have never been through sexual abuse or rape. You don’t know the scars those horrible events leave behind. I have been through that kind of nightmare and I, like your mother, relive the nightmare. I hope to God that you never have to suffer the way we do. I hope that your little life, as ideal as it seems to you, remains unshattered. Unbroken.

As I stated, you have never been abandoned. Your mom always tried to keep in touch. You may not have received everything that was sent (Letters, presents, etc.), do not blame your mother. Look to those you were left with temporarily. Your mother only wanted one thing: a better life for the two of you. You may not understand this, but it is true.

You abandoned your mother when she needed you the most. What do I mean by this? Let me explain. Your mother was raped. When a woman or man is raped, it destroys their world. It strips them of that feeling of security and rips away their self-esteem. It literally destroys your life.

I know. I have also been through it. It has taken me over thirty years to rebuild myself, and I am still a work in progress. It has taken me thirty years to begin to trust anyone around me, including those I have married thinking that they loved me. Hell. It has taken me thirty years to love myself enough to realize that it was never my fault. I had no control over the one who hurt me.

The sad thing is that when something like that happens, it tends to destroy every relationship from the past, present, or even future. It is hard to trust. It is hard to let anyone in. It is hard to give yourself over to those you form relationships with.

And yes. In the very worst case scenarios, you can contract a disease. I was lucky. Not so with many others. And for this very reason, I know that you abandoned your mother out of fear. Fear that the result of what had happened to her could spread to you (not so, even in the most exposed instances. You really do need to get educated before you cause harm to yourself and those around you) or your children.

Your irrational behavior is what is going to cost you dearly, not to mention your husband’s unholy love for the gun. Both your hate for your mother and his love for guns will cost you more than you can afford in the near future. Trust me. I have seen it all before. Twice in my own life. Many times in the lives of others.

My sister lays on her death bed because she so hated our mother that she fell deeply into drug addiction. She did not learn, until it was too late, that she also had a genetic disorder that affected her lungs and liver. By that time, she was so far gone that she was reduced to being on oxygen 24/7. From that point on, her health continued to spiral downward. Now, she is unable to care for herself and is seen to in a care facility.

While I will admit that our mother was never perfect, I also know that she is and always will be our mother. And mothers, no matter how flawed we may see them, deserve only our love.

“Mother is the name of God on the lips of children.”- Brandon Lee, The Crow.

We waste our time hating, fighting, and pursuing selfish desires. The truly important things in life, we discard thinking that they don’t matter. Of these, family is the most important. Of all the things you can do in life, the one thing that is most important is how you treat those around you. Remember: those around us serve as a mirror so that we might see what it is in our own lives we truly need to change. It isn’t, nor has it ever been, about changing those around us. Our own hearts and souls matter more, for they are what are weighed in the end. Not who we changed or how many we changed.

We can never change others. We can only change ourselves. We can learn to be more understanding. To listen when others need someone needs to talk. To have empathy when someone is suffering. To be kind to a stranger, an alien, a foreigner, your neighbor, your brother, and your enemies. To love all unconditionally.

It takes less to love those around you than it does to hate. It is a simpler path. a purer path. The right path.

But, if you so desire to remain in the wrong through your hate for your mother, you really do have more problems than you realize. Please, if not for any other, take a look at yourself for you. For the sake of your children, take time to look within yourself and find those things you need to change. Learn that kindness and love will get yoou farther than hate and selfishness.



Your new Step-Father.