Welcome To My Life…

I have tried to envision how the reclusive authors survived. All that silence, broken only by occasional sound. Sure, if they liked music (and some surely did), they could listen to records. But silence drives one nuts.

I need interaction. Sure, my mother stops in from time to time but that is not the interaction I am talking about. I need constant interaction. I need someone to keep me from crawling the walls.

I hate being alone. I have too much quiet. Too much time alone to think. Not enough stimulation to keep me from being bored.

I drive a van almost every day. I have clients that I can talk to, but I have no one when I get home. And I can’t stand it.

I admit that I was partly to blame for the failure of both my marriages. I was too eager to please. Too eager to keep the peace. I detest conflict, especially in the form of arguing. It solves nothing.

My only desire was to work with them to make the marriages work. The problem appears when you become the only one working on anything. Any relationship is a two-way street. It takes both to make it work.

When only one works at making things go, only half the job gets done. Sooner or later, the side that isn’t being built caves in. Something that a normal relationship can withstand kicks the prop out from under that side and the life you build just crumbles. When the dust settles, you finally see just what it was really worth to the other person.

You watch them walk away. You listen to their abuse. You feel the pain as everything is taken away. You lose your pride, your dignity, your self-respect, and all that builds good self-esteem.

What replaces it is anger, hurt, a feeling of betrayal, and a myriad of other ugly feelings that eat away at you. And these do not go away very quickly. They tend to burn through you every day.

Once you get over those, you are faced with loneliness. Deep, dark, and depressing. And the boredom. I hate being bored. even in my time away from driving. It is bad enough that I find my job boring, I don’t need more boring to come home to.

Like everyone, I need to feel wanted, needed. Loved. Yes, I know I sound sappy. But I need the distraction of someone talking to me and interacting with me. It makes me feel like I truly exist.

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22 thoughts on “Welcome To My Life…

  1. Reblogged this on HarsH ReaLiTy and commented:
    “But I need the distraction of someone talking to me and interacting with me. It makes me feel like I truly exist.” I think we all feel that way man. Well said. -OM
    Note: Comments disabled here, please visit their blog.

    1. Thank you for the reblog. I am honored. Life is about feeling alive, not just existing. Loneliness tends to make someone feel like they simply exist, but have no purpose. Even in my past relationship, I felt as if I had purpose. Alone, I feel like I am adrift, without purpose or direction, and without the ambient noise of someone’s encouragement.

      1. I know exactly what you mean bud. I recently broke up with someone whom I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with and honestly, it took a toll out of my life, I did almost everything for her, in a way, I saw myself as “eager to please” as well haha.

        Once the breakup happened, I turned into a zombie for awhile. But that’s only because I realized that I’ve given my life up for her. My dreams etc, I stopped pursuing and stopped doing quite a lot of things for myself. So when the breakup came, it hit hard. When she left me, I was suddenly empty. What’s more, is that the reason for breaking up? It wasn’t even clear. Honestly, I still have no idea what went wrong. Not exactly a nice feeling lol.

        As I am recovering through the aftermath of the breakup though, I started to realize that life is more than just a relationship which could have been. Furthermore, I shouldn’t be living my life for someone else. I should be living it for myself and if someone comes along who wishes to support me through it? I’d say hop on!
        I used to have that mindset until my current ex and I made plans to get married. I thought I should be more giving and become the perfect, living husband which any woman would love to and feel lucky to have. I wanted to be the best for her. But for some reason, breakup still happened so yeah lol. Was hard to but I’m glad I am kinda over it already.

        I am lucky to have so many friends (In both off and on-line) who helped me through that dark period and I am very grateful for that.

        Your post affirmed the idea in me that being alive doesn’t justify the reason to just be standing/sitting around here, taking up space and oxygen, doing nothing to this life that I’m given after experiencing a “crash” in life. That’s just a dumb and stupid way to live. Not to mention meaningless.

        Fact is, I am still alive and since I am given the gift of life, might as well make full use of it and resume in fulfilling the purpose of it (I’ve been wanting to help ppl with social issues since I was a kid) and put myself back on the right direction. In my case? Go all out with my blog to achieve that goal/dream, something that I am doing now.

        At the same time, should my journey towards my end goal allow me to meet someone else in my life who can make me happy and support me through my dream, as I can do for her? That’s when things would truly be, well, let’s just say a grand happy ending 😉

        You are welcome for the reblog, you deserve it. I truly feel you. Your thoughts resonates through me like an opera singer’s voice in an opera hall, it touched my heart. The fact that you are still around shows that you’re a strong individual. Just want you to know that bud.

        Hope you are moving on in life as I am too! Again, thanks for writing this piece. It’s awesome. I’m sure it’s going to make a difference in other people’s lives too as it did for me.

        Your pal,
        David Long

      2. I am, just that my current job doesn’t allow for much of a social life past the interaction with clients. By the time I get done with taking them to their appointments, I am so blasted tired that I don’t feel like doing much.I am trying to arrange going back to school and am also searching for better work.

      3. I wish you all the best for it bud! Keep the faith! Should you ever feel the need to talk to anyone? Just let me know yeah?

        Have yourself a nice day/evening.

        Your pal,
        David Long

    1. it is hard to live alone. Especially for one who does not feel like a whole person when they are alone. I guess when it comes right down to it, I am like everyone else: searching for that happy place where I can feel alive, not just as if I simply exist. I hope things get better for you as well.

  2. I can understand your emotion – that emotion of being driven, passionate, motivated towards something outside of yourself.

    I a very strange way, I am right there with you, man. I truly hope you find your own round-about of motivational direction and happiness – that works within a two lane system of travel.

    Stay well.

  3. During this time what may help you is to figure out how to be happy alone. Find a way to be happy with yourself. I have worked hard at being less dependent on my spouse. Sometimes to his annoyance, but that space gives us perspective. When you rely too much on another to give you substance it can lead to resentment and strain. I just want you to know that I have been in that position before and this is what I have learned from experience. I hope you can find that happy place.

    1. Amazingly, I am happier now that I am n longer driving for a living than I was when I wrote this post. I also have a house mate who rents my back bedroom, so am not totally alone. Although I still desire companionship, I can at least live halfway peaceably with myself knowing that I am earning a wage that will sustain my writing and keep me alive instead of struggling to earn enough to get by on.

      1. It was both cool and strange at the same time. I went in to apply on my day off and was hired that same day. Had never happened to me before. I was amazed. haven’t looked back since.

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