I have tried to envision how the reclusive authors survived. All that silence, broken only by occasional sound. Sure, if they liked music (and some surely did), they could listen to records. But silence drives one nuts.
I need interaction. Sure, my mother stops in from time to time but that is not the interaction I am talking about. I need constant interaction. I need someone to keep me from crawling the walls.
I hate being alone. I have too much quiet. Too much time alone to think. Not enough stimulation to keep me from being bored.
I drive a van almost every day. I have clients that I can talk to, but I have no one when I get home. And I can’t stand it.
I admit that I was partly to blame for the failure of both my marriages. I was too eager to please. Too eager to keep the peace. I detest conflict, especially in the form of arguing. It solves nothing.
My only desire was to work with them to make the marriages work. The problem appears when you become the only one working on anything. Any relationship is a two-way street. It takes both to make it work.
When only one works at making things go, only half the job gets done. Sooner or later, the side that isn’t being built caves in. Something that a normal relationship can withstand kicks the prop out from under that side and the life you build just crumbles. When the dust settles, you finally see just what it was really worth to the other person.
You watch them walk away. You listen to their abuse. You feel the pain as everything is taken away. You lose your pride, your dignity, your self-respect, and all that builds good self-esteem.
What replaces it is anger, hurt, a feeling of betrayal, and a myriad of other ugly feelings that eat away at you. And these do not go away very quickly. They tend to burn through you every day.
Once you get over those, you are faced with loneliness. Deep, dark, and depressing. And the boredom. I hate being bored. even in my time away from driving. It is bad enough that I find my job boring, I don’t need more boring to come home to.
Like everyone, I need to feel wanted, needed. Loved. Yes, I know I sound sappy. But I need the distraction of someone talking to me and interacting with me. It makes me feel like I truly exist.