The Travails Of Being Me…Part Two.

This morning, I received a call from my boss. He had an emergency come up, so needed me to take his run for him. I am fine with that. It gives me a little more when paychecks come out. And every little bit counts.

I don’t mind my job either. But it isn’t what I would consider something to make into a career. Being a cabby is fine. But the volunteer part is a killer. I get paid $0.40/mile. If you go two miles, that means you only get $o.80 that run. You only make money when you make the longer runs over 100 miles.

I do need something better to help me survive. Something that will keep me from worrying about how I am going to pay my college debt. Something that’ll help me quit worrying if I am going to have enough to eat. Something that will allow me to follow through on promises made.

But as I have mentioned before, I cannot return to the industries I have been trained to work in due to health hazard. A very real health hazard. If I want a reminder, all I have to do is go and take a look at my sister. She is dying from it.

She is 45 and looks like a 90 year-old. she cannot live without an oxygen bottle or an air machine. She was supposed to get a lung transplant, but has dropped out of line twice. Now, she has no more chances.

She is to the point where she has maybe 4 years, maybe 4 months. Not very good prospects. And not a place I want to go before it is my time. So what is a man to do who has fewer options and less work experience in some of the areas that are now the only things available?

Good question. I guess that is why I write. I guess that is why I want to act. Yes, and even why I sing. Because I want to make my mark. In some way.

It is why I want to build my own company. I do not want to waste the rest of my life working for others. Not as just another number in a long list of numbers. I want to help others rise above the crap.

I know. Never dream too big. Bull shit. Always dare to dream bigger than those who came before. Never settle for second best. Always fight for what you know is right. What you know will make you happy as a career.

Never mind the naysayers. They know nothing. Most of the time, they are living with the regret of having not made the choice to follow their dreams. When someone regrets not following their dreams, they often get the Let No One Else Have Their Dreams syndrome where they try their best to stomp all over everyone else’s aspirations.

I know this all too well. My father was good at doing it. He could have been a successful writer. Hell. His gun shop could have went international. I even offered to help him with it.

But I figured something out. He claimed to not want to “tighten his belt”. In other words, he was afraid of failure. But being afraid of failure means that you are also afraid of success. And that fear keeps you from doing anything that might make you a happier person.

I even told my mother that my father could have had a sit-down story-based routine. He had tons of excellent stories. He could have given Garrison Keillor a run for his money. But, He was afraid to follow his true talents.

My father died never knowing what it felt like to be happy. He had married out of a feeling of obligation. He worked his life away. He drove every nail into his own coffin by not caring about his own health enough to stop bad eating habits. And he destroyed his relationships with his family.

What has this all to do with me? I made myself a promise when I was in high school that I would never follow his example. I would not be afraid of success. I would not be afraid of failure. I would not work my life away. I would not destroy my relationships. Least of all those with my future children and wife.

I can happily say that I did not destroy either of my marriages. I still have two step-children who are close to me. One was never really close to anyone, so I didn’t really ruin anything with her. The cheating of both exes destroyed both marriages. By the time my first wife checked out of reality, she had already left me mentally. She had cheated on me with my then best friend, who-ironically-was also married. And even though both claimed that they had stopped, they were both lying. Same with the second…although the jury’s still out as to whether she has ever been aware of reality.